It's Cold and I've Nowhere to Sleep

She calls out to the man on the street

'Sir, can you help me ?'

'It's cold, and I've nowhere to sleep.

Is there somewhere you can tell me ?'

He walks on, doesn't look back,

He pretends he can't hear her

Starts to whistle as he crosses the street

Seems embarrased to be there.

Oh think twice,

It's another day for you and me in paradise

Oh think twice, it's just another day for you,

You and me in paradise

She calls out to the man on the street

He can see she's been crying

She's got blisters on the soles of her feet

She can't walk, but she's trying

Oh think twice .....

Oh Lord, is there nothing more anybody can do

Oh Lord, there must be something you can say

You can tell from the lines on her face you can see that she's been there

Probably been moved on from every place 'cos she didn't fit in there

Oh think twice .....

Work Politics

So I'll interrupt my travelogue to whine a little... Although, for the record (Alhamdulilah), I'm grateful to have a decent job and a pleasant work environment!

Mr. F was promoted and transferred earlier this year and I remained in the original department. He, being pretty senior is privy to all sorts of information (even about my department) and he's buddy-buddy with almost everyone. It's getting a little claustrophobic for me because all my friends/colleagues are also his friends and they're also a little in awe of him (since he's a lot senior) so I can't be as free/open as I like.

Also, Mr. F knows how to handle office politics pretty well and he keeps trying to advise me whereas I like to believe that the world is a fair and happy place, people are genuine and good things will come to those who wait... and I also don't like being told what to do, preferring to "learn by doing".

I'm still without a boss and my CEO can't figure out where to place me since my field is very specialized (Environmental Engineering/CSR/Energy Policy)... Sometimes, I feel like I should've just majored in Economics/Finance like everyone else and become a corporate woman :-P

Down

My brother and sister danced to 'Down' (Baby are you down, down, down, down, down...) at my Mehndi :) Good times!

I'm feeling kinda low these days. Maybe it's the weather, but getting out of bed in the morning and coming to work is a massive effort. I'm not being a very good wife either. I've been having mood swings and poor Mr. F has to suffer. I do feel bad and married life is wonderful, Alhamdulilah but sometimes, I just feel trapped... Wish I could just take a month off and travel (alone or with my fun-loving single friends :-p) and not have to be considerate of anyone else's wishes.

Mr. F's traveling to America and Bulgaria and Rio for work and I'm going to be sad in Karachi... I can't seem to get used to it :-(

I know it's really mean of me to not want my husband to have fun without me.... :(

Advice on how to deal with this?

Something's Changed

So I'm planning a weekend trip to visit some friends in Dubai but for some strange, inexplicable reason, I'm feeling really guilty... for leaving Mr. F behind and going on a vacation alone (even if it's only for 3 days...)

Before I got married, I wouldn't think twice about it... my parents have always been comfortable with the idea and I know my friends will take care of everything... but I feel this massive sense of responsibility toward my husband (although he's pretty good at taking care of himself :)).

The trip's in the "planning" stage and I'm already feeling this way... "_"

Idealism Lost

Back when I was young, naive and idealistic, I would have done the following:

One seeing a stray kitten with a badly hurt paw mewing piteously, I would clean its wound and take it to the vet or at the very least give it some milk to ease the last few hours of its life in this world...

Now, cynical Gaia simply walks away thinking:

Some other cats will probably attack it and it won't be able to defend itself... it'll probably die anyway... why prolong it's life? Better to let it die quickly and naturally....

Another 2 resignations today and a couple more expected at the end of the month. With the CEO gone and not enough work to do, company morale's pretty low these days.

Today, I went to Gizri during lunch break and bought flowers: orange roses and orange and white gladiolas. Then I went home, arranged them in a vase, changed the sheets, prayed dhuhr and returned to work.

Need to start working out... I can feel my thighs expanding under me when I sit :p

Did you know?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-11492897

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10596344

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/8487106.stm

http://old.thenews.com.pk/10-01-2011/ethenews/e-24887.htm

It Comes Out So Wrong

I'm one of those people who can't handle emotions... Back in 2004, when I was leaving home to start college, I spent an entire week being rude to my mom because I couldn't figure out how to let her know how much I'd miss her... Of course, I was engulfed by remorse the minute she left and spent the next 2 months feeling guilty but thankfully mommy dearest understood.

Now, each time Mr. F has to travel somewhere, I spend the day before sulking and generally being mean and the moment he leaves, I feel ultra-remorseful :-(

Bad, bad Gaia...

New Phone

My husband bought me the new Nokia E5... Most people would be thrilled, excitedly figuring out the new gadget, pressing buttons, clicking pictures with the 5Mp camera but not I. I left my phone in its original packaging for an entire week until Mr. F returned from Colombo, inserted the battery, charged the phone and gave me a phone tutorial. I now have a bugle alarm that goes off at 5:15am every morning (Fajr time), becoming progressively louder until I'm ready to throw something :-P.

My old phone was an 8-year old legacy from my father; a Motorola which we'd received free with our first Mobilink package. It was sturdy and simple... archaic but dependable even though I had to press down the buttons really hard to type a text message.

I guess new relationships are like that... as awful as it sounds, I sometimes find myself prioritizing my new family over my old. In some ways, my parents who raised me so lovingly have now taken a back seat and the new person in my life has taken over my world. I feel guilty and selfish but I hope I am inshalah able to make it up to them some day... maybe when my own kids will become the light of their lives in their old age?

The other day I was talking to another recently-married girl and she said something that struck a chord, "After marriage, you grow up in one night"... In many ways, I was more independent than a lot of other girls even before I got married but for the past year since returning to Pakistan, I'd gotten used to having my meals prepared by my mom, having my sister chatter about her day at school while I lazed around after coming home from work, having dad drop me off to work in the mornings and pick me up after work, having my brother get me chocolate brownies from Pie in the Sky just because I felt like eating something chocolatey....

Now, I make my own breakfast, do the groceries, get my own brownies and am often alone in the evenings when Mr. F has to stay late at work... sigh

Past

Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. Bringing up the past, especially when it concerns someone you love can be extremely hurtful...

I never thought I'd be the jealous/possessive type :P Guess it all changes when you get married...

It is pretty unfair though. Pakistani society frowns upon girls having "been around" but if a guy were to have a little "experience" it's considered no big deal... After all, boys will be boys and all that jazz.

A friend who'd been engaged for 3 years recently broke it off. I wonder how completely one can recover after being emotionally attached to a person for so long and move on...

Ramadan Mubarak!

Koh Samui from the plane :)

Ramadan Kareem everyone! Hope the month brings many blessings to our families and our country and eases the sufferings of all the sufferers...

My first "married" roza's been ok so far Alhamdulilah. Woke up for Sehri and woke up Mr. F too. I'd made sooji ka halwa specially for him but he didn't even touch it (heart crumbles). Thankfully, I didn't go ahead and make omelettes and parathas too :|... I think I'll let him live off cereal and toast :p

It's the first time I'm experiencing official "Ramadan timings" 7:00am to 2:30pm... I'm trying really really hard to stay alert at work (FYI, no one showed up until 7:45am... Mr. F and I are dorks :p).

I really really really want to go to Austria but Mr. F's been there already. Actually, he's already been to China, S. Africa, Italy, Spain and France and I haven't :'(. Would it be weird/inappropriate if I were to vacation somewhere with my friends instead?

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Although I've Alhamdulilah been happily married for a month now, I still don't feel married. It's more like staying over at my boyfriend's apartment :P.

I think I'm supposed to feel totally in love, can't seem to stay apart, yadda yadda but I connected with Mr. F more during the engagement period (long talks on the phone, random conversations, eagerly waiting for texts...)

Now that we're actually living together, I barely see him (except when I walk past his office). I think I had more company living with roommates in college and in Abu Dhabi :P and at home with my bro and sis...

Last day in Dubai

We got up bright and early (8:30am) and headed to Dubai Mall (I think I know the way to Dubai from Abu Dhabi better than say... the way to Jinnah Terminal, Karachi from my house :P).

I LOVE DUBAI MALL!!! Saw the Burj Khalifa, took lots of pictures and met up with my Princeton roomie who happened to be in Dubai :) (she's a jet-setter consultant, so I was lucky she happened to be in town that weekend). May, Il, Rana and I went to Bloomingdales and got our make-up done by the saleswomen) and took more pictures (we're girly girls when we're all together :)) and then I had Cinnabon (they really need to open a franchise in Pakistan).

Spent the night at Alex's apartment (Al-Ghoslan at the Greens...) and the next day (Sunday morning), I took a taxi to terminal 3.

Meanwhile, mommy dearest had called to let me know that a cyclone was brewing in Karachi and there could be delays. Anyway, I checked in, got my boarding pass and headed towards dutyfree. Flight delayed to 11:00am... no worries, I thought, I don't have to be back at work till Monday and continued browsing through the shops.

Finally boarded the plane. I had a window seat (thanks daddy) blocked by two young men. After exchanging a few awkward glances, we realized we'd been in the same school until O'Levels and then proceeded to exchange our entire life histories. One of them owns a gold shop in Saddar and the other guy was on his way back after completing his undergrad from Australia. He amused me with his experiences managing a gas station in Australia :P

I watched "How to Train Your Dragon" and an hour and a half later, we were in Karachi, the landing gear was down and I could see patches of green and pools of water (courtesy, Cyclone Phet).

But... THE PLANE DIDN'T LAND and we basically swooped really low and circled back up into the air... Our Pakistani brethren had already gotten up to get their luggage from the racks and sat down back in their seats. 15 minutes later, the captain announced that we were heading BACK TO DUBAI because it was too dangerous to land... I mean, :O :O :O?

So, another hour and a half later, we were basically back in Dubai (no food on the flight and the passengers were getting cranky). I felt particularly sorry for the people who had come from Toronto and London and basically waited 2 days for a connecting flight to Karachi... becharay.

Back at the airport, I surfed the internet, spent my last $200 on almonds and chocolate for Mr. F and perfume for mommy. They gave us food at Burger King but I didn't have an appetite... (like, I wanna go home already!). Finally, the flight departed at 11:30pm and I landed in Karachi around 1:20am... So, 3 flights in a day and lots of fatigue... but my ceramic flower pots from IKEA survived the trip :)

Petty Issues

Since I'm slightly in shock and don't quite know how to go about these things, I might as well free my mind here... Mr. F is refusing to talk to my parents and things are blowing waaaaayyy out of proportion. To put it mildly, I don't think that's a good sign.

Everyone in my family's going ballistic, but I am strangely calm :O.

Dear God, please help me out here... thank you.

Isn't it Ironic?

Some of my friends from Abu Dhabi and Dubai wanted to come to my wedding in July. I just checked the website and it says that the processing time for a Pakistani visa is 12 weeks! (12 weeks?!). Some of them may not be able to make it :'(

I'm going through a really weird phase right now. It's like I'm not sure if I want to get married any more :S. Mr. F's being extra extra nice and very patient but I'm just being mean :P. I can't help it! I feel like my life will change forever after I'm married and I don't feel ready to let go... Like, I won't be able to travel alone and I don't like sharing and I'm such a private person as it is... Plus, I have to be all grown-up and responsible with lots of nephews and nieces (some of them are my age... yikes!). I'm going to turn into a fat desi aunty :(

If I could go back in time, I'd pick 2004 and stick with it... an idealistic freshman in college enjoying my new-found freedom in the US *sigh*.

Plan for the weekend: watching "It's Complicated" with my girlfriends... if the bijli doesn't ruin it :P

Have a great weekend!

I'm sitting in my office cubicle sipping mango Splash dreaming of times when I could just walk to the Wa at 2:00 am and buy Haagen Daaz or Ben Jerrys and finish the entire carton all by myself.

I'm missing a lot of people right now. My best friend forever can't come to my wedding because she's in the UK finishing up a Masters :'(. Another group of Pton buddies is meeting up in Dubai and I won't be there... *sigh* ash-uru-bil-huzn...

The weather's turned hot again. Add daily 4-hour power breakdowns to the equation and you have a sad, Gaia. On the bright side, at least I have ac in the office :). My boss is stuck in Germany thanks to the volcano... a gentle reminder that the All-Powerful Being is All-Powerful and we are all just menial creatures...

In other news, Americans are too fat to fight.

Letting Go

You never quite realize how precious someone or something is to you until you no longer have it. I think my dad is having a hard time coming to terms with the idea that his daughter is spending more time talking to a random stranger whom she met just a few months ago than her own family who have cherished and nurtured her all her life.

I hope I'm not being a bad daughter :(

Sunday

I guess this time, Eid was pretty unconventional... Back when I was young (and relatively docile), mum and dad used to take us around visiting random people whom we saw once a year on Eid. This time, I ended up going to Gunsmoke for lunch with friends from school... The food was decent and the servings, huge but I think it's more suited for meat-lovers with big appetites (I'm more into vegetarian/white meat/desserts). They had peanuts in bowls and we were supposed to shell the peanuts and throw the shells on the floor :P. For someone as obsessive/compulsive as me this was trying... I remember using a carpet brush to brush my carpet straight after someone had walked on it and disturbed the alignment of the fibers :P

I visited an aunty who is now suffering from dementia... When we were younger, she used to give us a pack of candy for Eid and money for ice cream and it made me sad to see her like this. Old age is scary, especially if your kids are all abroad and you're alone...

So, Eid Day 2 is over and now I have to look forward to work Tuesday... *joy*

In the end...

... it doesn't even matter

So, I was probably the second geekiest kid in my school. I had a non-existent social life in the last two years of high-school and I got into a prestigious Ivy League university where I spent the best four years of my life. But, now that I'm looking for jobs back in Pakistan, I will end up with the same remuneration package as someone who went to Preston University. I guess I should've just bunked classes and bought a fake degree or married a rich businessguy at eighteen :(

UK Visa Reject

:'( *sob*!

That means no grad school this year... I'm praying God has something better for me, otherwise, I'm currently unemployed in Karachi... *sob*.

"At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away. "
Meredith Grey
(Grey's Anatomy)

What Karachi Does to Me...

It's been two months since the return to my hometown and I'm slowly becoming Pakistaniized... Plus, it's Ramadan and my daily schedule is completely messed up. I wake up around 5:15 am for Sehri, groggily down some cereal/toast, pray and go back to sleep only to wake up around 1:00 pm, pray some more, do a bit of reading, help my mom with iftar, pray Asr, watch cooking shows on tv, have iftar, pray Maghrib and then baby-sit my sister (who's listening to Poker Face on repeat... aaaargh) while my parents go for Taraweeh.

I'm reading the Harry Potter series for the seventh time (currently on The Half-Blood Prince) and being completely anti-social and lethargic :p. My mom thinks I'm sickening for something but I don't think I am...

Missing my friends from college and work :'(