Friday, May 21, 2010

Prenuptial Thoughts

I've been weeping my eyes out in the office bathroom... Mr. F thinks these are "prenuptial jitters" I think I'm just sad :,(

So girls and guys, here's a new situation:

My parents want to fill out the Nikahnama early to avoid last minute drama scenes... Mr. F's family thinks that's just weird and they'd rather do it on D-day. Also, my "uber-progressive" parents are on my case to thoroughly read through the document and be aware of my rights. I personally don't think putting down clauses in my Nikahnama (right to work, right to further education etc.) will protect my rights :P

Also, what's your take on family planning/contraceptives? UnIslamic? Interfering with nature? Horrible side-effects?


  1. Hey do let me know the answers to those questions if u find them... :P

  2. I don't think family contraception is unislamic at all! What's wrong with planning your family, enabling your children have a good solid foundation in life before you bring them into this world? I think it is unislamic when people do not try to prevent children coming into this world knowing that they are not capable of looking after them properly.
    Also, it is God's will in the end. We should just do our best by our (future) children.

  3. I believe in thoroughly reading and understanding ANY document you are going to sign, that's just good practice for anything in life- doesn't matter what it is, how straightforward/standard it is or how much you trust someone/something or think yourself paranoid for doing it. About adding clauses, it's up to you, it could be a good process for both of you so he knows you are serious about some goals and expectations you have and it doesn't totally surprise him later on that you were ACTUALLY serious about them :) Even if you feel there's not point to it, it can't hurt putting them down. As for birth control, I don't think it's unislamic and it's always a good idea to educate yourself about the birth control options you have and then explore what fits best for you,your body and your life....everyone is different...doing research and speaking to a trusted health professional may be helpful. wishing you the bestest!

  4. contraceptives are not unislamic at all. Everything is upto God and if he wants you to have a baby even after using birthcontrol you will. intercourse in islam is not only for giving we have been told to practice chastity before marriage that obviously means something.. Its your right to be each others pleasure.. So its only logical to think that when youre doing so you shouldnt worry about making another mouth to feed in the process.. And its not interfering with nature because nothing can interfere in the will of God. Rest Allah knows best

  5. Do read your document eventhough people will be against it. Ive seen in some cases the inlaws or husband finds it offensive if you ask to read it.but please do so.its a matter of thr rest of your life.

  6. I wish all parents marrying their girls in Desiland are as progressive as yours someday inshallah! If you wait till the D-Day then it is very easy to get swept away in agreeing to everything under pressure due to the fear of 'Log kiya kaheyn gey'. It is super smart to review and agree on the contract terms objectively before the event. This will help you enjoy the big day so much more! Please do not take your rights lightly. If your American education has taught you anything, it is to protect your rights (can be done politely and humbly) but you need to walk into this with open eyes. Love is wonderful but a good marriage takes more than that.

  7. I agree with sobia absolutely, nothing else to say than her words

  8. I also strongly think that you should protect your rights!! If you don't even do it, nobody else will. Commit!... But do it the smart way.

  9. Wow... thanks for your input :)

  10. Look, take or leave the response. First of all this is blog world girl. In virtual world often people aren’t even real let alone their advice to you which they gave you on your web page. In the end the decision is YOURS not the internet. This is about marriage and children you are talking about.
    The whole episode about pre-nuptial clauses is worth nothing between two people who are getting married based on trust and understanding. Yes when Donald Trump gets married he ensures the women he is going to have sex with under the disguise of marriage is not going to take all his money when he gets bored and tells her to take a hike. These clauses are for lawyers, courts and judges do you follow. This happens when things are already turned ugly and two people are no longer in a husband and wife relationship at that point. Don’t get me wrong, nothing wrong in putting the clauses go ahead and do it but the fight is on at a different level for them to be invoked. There is nothing wrong to be prepared for that battle. But like I said at that point some agency is enforcing the clause not your internet buddies.
    As far as child birth and contraceptives I am sure you and your husband to be have had a very frank and open discussion about it in the pre stage. Obviously there is a difference of opinions hence you seek advice. Once again my advice (that and 50 cents is worth a cup of coffee) go to a real scholar for a real opinion about the rights of husband after marriage and you may NOT like the REAL answer. Look at the real scenario “You are alone in the room with a man who is now your husband and you are flashing him your clause to be able to work and study and NOT be bogged down by the duties of motherhood immediately”. What COULD he do???. Again you may NOT like the True Islamic answer.
    When you boarded that plane for US several years ago you and your parents put their Trust in Allah. He alone and none other than him protected you, fed you, kept you healthy and eventually gave you success without a written Clause. But because of his infinite love to you. Yes he loves you to do all this and will continue to do so with or without gratitude from you. Listen PUT YOUR TRUST IN ALLAH. If you and your husband develop LOVE, you will astound yourself and others about the possibilities and options with and without kids. Beg your creator for his infinite Love which will transcend in you for your husband and vice versa. Then this will be the only clause you will depend on.
    Peace and May Allah guide you

  11. The anon above.. Im so confused, are you pro or againt contraceptives?

  12. Shiny
    Who gives a Cr*p about what my opinion is and I don’t think the blog girl gives two Sh*t about it either. I just feel like I am watching a potential collision in slow motion and perhaps can yell. (I apologize for the analogy). Like I said go to a real scholar to seek real answer just as she did for getting a higher education in US and did not get her degree over the internet.
    It is obvious she does not want to get pregnant on day one or year one for that matter because of the potential impact to her career and limitless freedom, what we think is irrelevant. At that point it is her husband and her who have to decide, Allah has provided a legitimate way for the process to happen.
    I see too many marriages spoiled in US or dysfunctional families and also many Muslim children left to be adopted by non Muslims due to these failed marriages. It just kills my heart. May Allah help those children?
    Trust in your creator for once in its true essence, complete submission and blind devotion and taste something truly amazing which is LOVE, and you shall see HE is LOVE and everything around us is an expansion of it.
    Peace, May Allah guide us.
    Shiny the name is “Gridlock”

  13. As if marriages are only spoiled in the US and as if it matters that a Muslim child is adopted by non-muslims as long as they provide a loving and safe home for the child. And to ask for complete submission and blind devotion in the name of GOD to answer questions like this is truly ignorant! GOD gave us a brain and a mouth for a reason.

  14. once again, thanks for your comments... Obviously, I've had a discussion with husband-to-be... just wanted a feeling for what regular people think because even "real scholars" have conflicting opinions about these things.

  15. I didnt even know people actually read the marriage contract hehe *naive*

  16. I dont know..correct me if I am wrong and i may be way of just seem to have way to many differences with your husband and his family...first the whole needed jahez and then it blowing up and your soon to be husband ignoring it..and just i mean jitters before marriage are perfectly understandable..but this seems to be like a MASSIVE gap in the thinking process of you, your husband, your family and his family

    I dont want to say OH MY GOD..thats just disaster because im sure i would be way of base..but to be is a recipe for disaster

    You dont really sound happy..your parents sounds even less ecstatic

    I just this what you want..and is this what you are signing up for? you know what your getting yourself into?

    Being worried or jittery before marriage makes sense..but such gaping differences in thought..that does not bode well

  17. Its best to fill out the marriage contract before-hand; here's my experience with it:

    a) Spelling mistakes: My husband spells his surname differently from his dad's and its the same with me. We were specially careful because we needed the nikah-nama for immigration purposes and the names had to match our passports exactly.

    b) We realized no one knew how one of the witnesses spelled his name

    c) They had to discuss which address to put on the 'witness' list- one of the witnesses had sold the house that was listed on his NIC as the permanent and postal address :-/

    Now imagine if you came across all this drama on the day! Noo, its best to fill it out beforehand!

    About contraception: Don't ask ANYONE. That's my honest sisterly advice to you. jitney munh, utnee batein

    And re: Anonymous's comment above- keeping MY experience in view, I would say I disagree to the nth degree. Mr Specs and I are very very very different on the surface. And before the wedding, there was a HUGE fight over my headscarf and I was near breaking the engagement. I got to know later that someone in the family didn't like it so his mother was making an issue of it. AFTER we were married, he told someone off in front of me for making a slanted comment about it because as he says 'You're my wife now- i'll take care of you whether it be your beliefs (which he does NOT agree with, by the way) or anything else' and hey, we're happy. There's no power struggle, no forcing, no nothing. He was even alright with letting me drape my dupatta in a way that my hair and neck was covered during the wedding. At the time when everyone was fighting over it, it seemed SUCH a difference of opinion and such a life-altering thing etc and everyone kept on telling me marriages break up over this yadda yadda. But AlHamduLillah. If you two get along well afterwards and RESPECT each other, no difference of opinion is too big to work through.

    Lots of duas and hugs